omg leave her alone
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is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.