OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
You Might Also Like
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Doctors texting each other.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”