I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
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On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Worst perfume name ever.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Never forget.