THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
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My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
This week’s mood.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*