OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
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until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit