My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
You Might Also Like
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Travel bloggers during quarantine
I shouldn’t have said that.
– Me. Whenever I talk.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Someone made up dinosaur sounds without ever hearing them
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?