OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.

You Might Also Like


Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?


ME: I’ve been depressed lately

DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability

ME: what

DOCTOR: what


I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*


(First date)

Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?

Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.

Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.


what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented


Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters

Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s


interview tip #86

be honest when asked about yourself


interviewer: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present


Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.


[Speed Date]

Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!


One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.