Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
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ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.