OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
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I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me