@2tickytacky

OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.

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@LetMeStart

My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.

@ch000ch

me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]

my date: why my jacket

@BoogTweets

Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?

Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…

Me: *loads nutrigun*

Cashier: What the heck?

@LeahsLounge

1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave

@katy_fit

To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.

@garthinkingcap

Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”

@PhilJamesson

Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?