*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
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My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation