@CantWaitToNap

OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.

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@SilleVio

I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.

That said, could someone please call for help?

I got startled and am stuck in a tree.

@UncleDuke1969

PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.

@Reverend_Scott

[firing squad]
Any last requests?

“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”

Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE

*gunshots*

@ArfMeasures

ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies

GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes

ME: Put Ratatouille on

@TheMichaelRock

Why is everyone mad at Kim Davis? Nobody in the government does their job.

@SaraMansford

Dear parents buying holiday gifts for teachers:

They don’t want candles or a Starbucks GC. They put up with your kids. They want wine.

@ninjadinosaur1

It would probably be cool to hang out with a witch because you could bake just the biggest cake in her child sized oven.

@of_a_genepool

Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon

Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though

Me: What’s Animal Crossing?

@markedly

BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges w/ ur debit card
ME: How’d you know it wasn’t me
B: They entered the PIN correctly 1st try
M: Dear god