OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
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You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
🤣🤣🤣
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER