I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
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PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Any last requests?
“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Why is everyone mad at Kim Davis? Nobody in the government does their job.
Dear parents buying holiday gifts for teachers:
They don’t want candles or a Starbucks GC. They put up with your kids. They want wine.
It would probably be cool to hang out with a witch because you could bake just the biggest cake in her child sized oven.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges w/ ur debit card
ME: How’d you know it wasn’t me
B: They entered the PIN correctly 1st try
M: Dear god