WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
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The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time