Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
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Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”