“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
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Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
The smoothest fall of all time
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Cow it started Cow it’s going