OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
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Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
This 4th of July, please remember…
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.