@junejuly12

OMG the land line just rang

OMG we still have a land line

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@Leemanish

HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.

@Token_Geezer

The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems

@NotOnTheMoors

I have a male dead set on getting into my pants. It’s the cat and my knickers drawer, but still.

@thatudiboy

Nothing is interesting as watching two very drunk people fighting.

That’s the one time you also witness slow motion effect in reality.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?

Me: You mean like water water or bath water?

@georgehawleyUA

I was annoyed that a book I needed was checked out from the library, and had been for a long time. I finally got fed up and bought a copy online. Organizing my office a bit this morning I realized that I was the one who checked it out from the library.

@heyevergreen

My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars

@JKNenagh

7: Dad what does this word mean

Me: Bring me a dictionary

*Smack up side the head

Me: Now go google that shit

@mydmac

Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.