With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
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Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?