OMG THE POWER I HAVE ON TWITTER IS INSANE MWUAHAHAHAHA
*catches bus to get home
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The New York Post publishes rumours about Dwayne Johnson. He sues for defamation and wins.
Rock beats paper.
And the crowd goes wild.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Don’t make a scientist mad. They will research you.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.