@QueenofSparta

OMG THE POWER I HAVE ON TWITTER IS INSANE MWUAHAHAHAHA

*catches bus to get home

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@lloydrang

The New York Post publishes rumours about Dwayne Johnson. He sues for defamation and wins.

Rock beats paper.

And the crowd goes wild.

@djdarrellripley

Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?

Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…

@UncleDuke1969

*closes door*

“Did you take out the trash?”

“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”

@imence2

I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!

@rebrafsim

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: I use bad words

Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here

Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear

@AndrewChamings

I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids

@just1fool

Don’t make a scientist mad. They will research you.

@DrakeGatsby

[Watching Alien: Resurrection]

*Alien dies*

Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.

@HatfieldAnne

Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.