“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
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[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.