omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
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After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
How funny!
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.