“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
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Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
LA today:
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own