OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
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Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys