@LoriGallucci

“Omg, what a cute baby. He’s adorable. Makes me want…oh never mind he’s crying now bye”

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@SkinnerSteven

That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that

@diaruba74

I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.

Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.

@2tickytacky

Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.

ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.

@CornOnTheGoblin

Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.

@TheAlexNevil

Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating

@stereoskyline

Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.

@stuzario

My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke

@existential_d

cop [on phone]: we need help identifying the body

wife: what were his last words

cop: he said.. that he loved you a lot

wife: but how did he say it exactly

cop: tell [borat voice] my w-

wife: it’s him