“Omg, what a cute baby. He’s adorable. Makes me want…oh never mind he’s crying now bye”

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That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that


I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.

Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.


Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.


ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.

ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.


This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.


Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.


Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating


Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.


My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke


cop [on phone]: we need help identifying the body

wife: what were his last words

cop: he said.. that he loved you a lot

wife: but how did he say it exactly

cop: tell [borat voice] my w-

wife: it’s him