That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
“Omg, what a cute baby. He’s adorable. Makes me want…oh never mind he’s crying now bye”
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I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
cop [on phone]: we need help identifying the body
wife: what were his last words
cop: he said.. that he loved you a lot
wife: but how did he say it exactly
cop: tell [borat voice] my w-
wife: it’s him