Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
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Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.