People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
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Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.