“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
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God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
I’m about to risk it all
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself