After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
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“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Close call…
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.