OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
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For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!