me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
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Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
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[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.