@barbhaynes

OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??

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@weasel_babe

triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture

@Breadery

Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.

@cepheusjackson

[SCIENCE FAIR]

ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.

PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.

OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.

@simoncholland

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.

@HoldinCoffeeld

Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.

@JNalv

I’m sorry Ms. Jackson (Oooooo)/ I am four eels/ Never meant to make your daughter cry/ I am several fish and not a guy

@BreadFoster

Don’t say “lets get weird” on our date then get freaked out I’m dressed in Forever 21 and holding your cousin hostage.

@warbird622

Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..