@barbhaynes

OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??

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@badbanana

People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.

@sofarrsogud

My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.

@mejustbeth

It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.

Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?

@Vodkantots

I just sighed so hard, I won’t have to dust for 6 months.

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: I’m heading to work.

6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.

That’s not ominous at all.

@zachreinert03

People think having 5 sets of grandparents rules as kid on Xmas, and it does, but you pay for it on the back end having to go to 97 funerals

@ComedicBust

[walking into a mattress store]

Me: [smiling too hard]

Manager: You can’t jump on the beds.

Me: [no longer smiling]

@DaddyJew

[job interview]

What’s your biggest weakness?

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.

@daemonic3

[at auto shop]

MECHANIC: can I help you?

ME: my car won’t start

MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse

ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?