OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
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If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.