OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??

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People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.


My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.


It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.

Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?


I just sighed so hard, I won’t have to dust for 6 months.


Wife: I’m heading to work.

6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.

That’s not ominous at all.


People think having 5 sets of grandparents rules as kid on Xmas, and it does, but you pay for it on the back end having to go to 97 funerals


[walking into a mattress store]

Me: [smiling too hard]

Manager: You can’t jump on the beds.

Me: [no longer smiling]


[job interview]

What’s your biggest weakness?

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.


[at auto shop]

MECHANIC: can I help you?

ME: my car won’t start

MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse

ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?