OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
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[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
cats when you pet them too long:
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.