@dyldonot

“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy

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@JohnLyonTweets

A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.

@Twtercide

I will not think of sex at church
I will not think of sex at church
I will not.

Priest: Which leads us to his Second Coming

Me: Goddammit!

@pilau

Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?

Ruffles: bark!

Me: a word to describe shouting an order?

Ruffles: bark!

Friend: he’s just woofing

Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot

@Ygrene

The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat

@Chel__CLE

In hell, you have to listen to chicks fully explain a movie, scene by scene.

@TheAlexP

Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money

@xLiserx

So you’re telling me we can land a spacecraft remotely on Mars, yet, very few men in my office can pee directly into a stationary toilet?

@Kyle_Lippert

Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*