“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
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Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”