OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.

– My clothes.

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-Why didn’t you answer your home phone?
-Because I’m walking the dog. Don’t you trust me?
-Of course I trust you! Put the dog on the phone.


Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.


JESUS: everyone loves me
GABRIEL: wat about judas
GOD: o snap
JESUS: dad
GOD: u’ve just been…
JESUS: dont do this


[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell


So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?


dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours


The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.


When my roommate won’t wash the dishes I always leave a note’hey please do the dishes, because I will wash one knife & use it in your sleep’


“my son, can I ask why you’re carrying two HUGE crucifixes?”
Well father, I’ve been…
*God starts breakdancing*