OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
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[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.