Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
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Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
From my Mom
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
bout dat hot dog summer
This is my cat’s medicine.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?