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WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING


Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.


Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.


Wife: were you even listening to me?

Me: no

Wife: then what did I just s…wait, what?

Me: I said no

Wife: I’m not sure what to do now


Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?

Batman: Sidekick

Robin: Close enough


I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.


“Who peed in here and didn’t flush?” is the new “good morning” in my house…


Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.


[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!


I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.

…or queso.

…or salsa.

…or dill pickles.

…or Jeff Goldblum.

…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.

I ain’t picky.