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Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.


Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that


thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes


[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”

Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”


Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired


4yo: What happened to the fish?

Me: It drowned.

4yo: …

Me: …

4yo: …

Me: …

4yo: Must have been a really stupid fish.


DR: Are you sexually active?
ME: Very
DR: Eating donuts alone in your car doesn’t count
ME: Still yes
DR: Neither do croissants
ME: Then no