“OMGJK” -atheists
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You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
I bet
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.