We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
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Daisy: how are you
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
I went to walmart today. I got the cart with three wheels and a hoof. This always happens to me.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Cop; Know why I pulled you over?
Me; Because you got beat up in high school
Me; Because you got beat up in high school, Sir?
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?
Wife: Please go wait in the car