I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
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All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Son: *turns into bat
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Bought 17 a fanny pack for back to school to delay my becoming a grandfather too early.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Dear girls, Santa saw your Facebook page, you’re getting clothes and a dictionary for Christmas.