Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
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Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs