@Bern_Morley

Ominous sub-editing fail of the day

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@squirrel74wkgn

I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.

@dimplesticks

All parents have a favourite child

Good parents pretend they don’t

Great parents at least make it one of their own

@oakhillbargrill

Son: I’m addicted to morphing

Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?

Son: No Dad,not Morphine

Dad: what?

Son: *turns into bat

@chuuew

ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]

[ever so slightly later]

ME: [dying from massive blood loss]

@HansGrubertron

GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.

ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.

@SarcasticSadOne

I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?

@Hormonella

Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…

@kelownagoose

Bought 17 a fanny pack for back to school to delay my becoming a grandfather too early.

@FrazzleMyGimp

[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did

MOM: Where’s your father?

@TheDailyManning

Dear girls, Santa saw your Facebook page, you’re getting clothes and a dictionary for Christmas.