son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
[on 1st date]
Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before?
Her: No, I’d love to
Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim
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Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Joseph: no rooms? Dude she’s about to give birth to humanity’s savior
Innkeeper: sorry busy around Christmas time
J: wtf around what time
My wife: “What are you doing?”
“Having an argument on Twitter”
“With a man or woman?”
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
I hate everything
Boyfriend calls me Gluteal Myalgia because he thinks I’m too dumb to understand what it means.
Let’s see how he likes the name Microphallus
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Her: Will I see you again?
*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Me: It was nice meeting you.