@daplusk

[on 1st date]
Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before?
Her: No, I’d love to
Me: Same
Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim

You Might Also Like

@0point5twins

I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.

@chrisdowning

They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.

@KateWhineHall

[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…

@CatFoodBreath

I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW

@USMCSDI

Great… I tried to kill a spider with glitter body spray and it didn’t work

Now I have a spider that won’t stop dancing and insists I call her cinnamon

@Nahdude83

A shirt so loud, you have to wear ear plugs when you put it on.

@JimmerThatisAll

Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?

@EndhooS

Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…

Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?

Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado

@Hill2Stephi

If you’re single.

Just have patience.

Your soulmate is almost done with those divorce papers.