You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
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Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.