@daplusk

[on 1st date]
Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before?
Her: No, I’d love to
Me: Same
Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim

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@CaptPinkbeard

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton

Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-

Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity

Professor X: welcome aboard

@sarah_ogun

Imma need the barbs, beyhive, k pop stan Twitter, navy, and retired 1D stans to join forces and rig this election. I know y’all can do it

@OfHella

My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.

@rebrafsim

Son: daddy why is the sky blue?

Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled

@murrman5

[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try

@writeden

Who called it getting stabbed by a sword and not death metal?

@Bob_Janke

I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.

@TasiaBass28

Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”

@Phil_Pagett

A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.