Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
[on 1st date]
Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before?
Her: No, I’d love to
Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim
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Imma need the barbs, beyhive, k pop stan Twitter, navy, and retired 1D stans to join forces and rig this election. I know y’all can do it
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Who called it getting stabbed by a sword and not death metal?
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.