@JediGigi

[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.

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@iSpeakComedy

My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.

@stevevsninjas

Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?

Like they do now… Holy shit.

@Darlainky

Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.

@Gupton68

I apologise if I offended you.

And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.

@daemonic3

[helping kid with math]

me: what is 0.1 as a fraction?

kid: one tenth

me: good, and what does 10% mean?

kid: battery low, plug in your phone

me: perfect

@iGreenGod

How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?

@onion_an

[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.

@NolaChef504

Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants

Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.

Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!

Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.