[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.

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My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.


Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?

Like they do now… Holy shit.


Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.


I apologise if I offended you.

And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.


[helping kid with math]

me: what is 0.1 as a fraction?

kid: one tenth

me: good, and what does 10% mean?

kid: battery low, plug in your phone

me: perfect


How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?


[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.


Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants

Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.

Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!

Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.