[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
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If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”