*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
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Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
*updates tinder bio*
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby