Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Alexa, homeschool the children.”

Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados

I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot

WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause

WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet

Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone

Him: But, you hate coconut?

Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.

[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag

Farmer: Netflix and till

Moonshiner: Netflix and still

Estate planner: Netflix and will

Dentist: Netflix and drill

Attorney: Netflix and bill

Mountaineer: Netflix and hill

Doctor: Netflix and ill

Pharmacist: Netflix and pill

Jack: Netflix and Jill

I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.

Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.

“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”

“Um, I have a boyfriend.”

Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!

Me: Please dont

Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins

Me: This is never flattering please just shut up

Friend: Look, I took a picture

Me: Man this is an old tire full of water

Friend: You guys are identical!

Sorry. Not sorry

Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.

Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.

Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.

Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.

Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.

Me: Can…can I join, too?

Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”

Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌

Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.

Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.

*gets followed*

Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets

If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.

Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.

Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.

by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die

If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.

Some of you would be empty calories.

The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.

Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow

Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.

Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.

Lamb: THAT’S your advice?

Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.

Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!

Therapist: (grins sheepishly)

Lamb:

Therapist:

Lamb:

Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?

In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right

We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.

We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.

all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”

Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.