[on a business trip to South Carolina]

Nice to meet you. I’m from Philadelphia.

“Welcome to the United States.”

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A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?


My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???


[watching the lion king]

me: i’ve never seen this before

wife: oh dear, better get the tissues ready

me: i’m hardly going to jack off to a bunch of lions karen


If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.


Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”


[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]

hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.


My neighbour knocked on my door this morning at 2:30am! Can you believe that 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums.


911 – 911 what’s your emergency

Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV

911 – ….

Me – I don’t know our emergency number


Him: Tell me something interesting about yourself.
Me: If my head got run over by a truck, it would explode like a watermelon.


I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.