A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
[on a business trip to South Carolina]
Nice to meet you. I’m from Philadelphia.
“Welcome to the United States.”
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My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
[watching the lion king]
me: i’ve never seen this before
wife: oh dear, better get the tissues ready
me: i’m hardly going to jack off to a bunch of lions karen
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
My neighbour knocked on my door this morning at 2:30am! Can you believe that 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Him: Tell me something interesting about yourself.
Me: If my head got run over by a truck, it would explode like a watermelon.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.