[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
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Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!