[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
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Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
not to brag, but mine was free
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
dream blunt rotation
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily