@Holy_Mowgli

[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here

You Might Also Like

@markleggett

I just whispered “Come at me, bro” to a bug and it ran towards me, so now I’m in my car driving away from my old life.

@vancitybarbie

Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.

@iya_lucy

My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5

@_steamy_mac

“Sorry, I have to take this call.”
“That’s a banana. And it’s half eaten.”
*covers banana with hand
“I don’t tell you how to do business.”

@cluedont

Always put the important stuff in the first part of your tweet, because no one will cat basket the walnuts if there’s pickletits at the end.

@Dr_awfulpants

Relationship status: using the middle stall so someone has to sit next to me.

@juliussharpe

A new study shows dolphins have great memory. Memories include “Swam in water” and “Ate”.

@UnFitz

Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.

@Darlainky

Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage

@bornmiserable

[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.