I just whispered “Come at me, bro” to a bug and it ran towards me, so now I’m in my car driving away from my old life.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
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Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
“Sorry, I have to take this call.”
“That’s a banana. And it’s half eaten.”
*covers banana with hand
“I don’t tell you how to do business.”
Always put the important stuff in the first part of your tweet, because no one will cat basket the walnuts if there’s pickletits at the end.
Relationship status: using the middle stall so someone has to sit next to me.
A new study shows dolphins have great memory. Memories include “Swam in water” and “Ate”.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.