[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
You Might Also Like
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Breaking news:
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*