*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
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Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Saturday
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes