@CulturedRuffian

* on a date *

Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?

Me: I’m on a diet.

Date: So what will you order for dinner?

Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.

Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!

Me:

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@Angibangie

Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.

CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.

@evervway

Someone: if you’re not deaf why do you always use subtitles?
Me, someone with audio processing issues so bad I literally did not understand what you just said: yeah!

@JohnLyonTweets

Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.

@imskytrash

LOL: laughing out loud
SMH: shaking my head
LMAKNIWNFYSP: leave me alone kyle no i will not follow your SoundCloud page

@MisterBombay

I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy

@JurassicPark2go

some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures

@DepressedDarth

That awkward moment when your stormtrooper army loses a battle to a bunch of teddy bears with sticks and stones.

@_elvishpresley_

[first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns