[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
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Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
“I’m helping” 😅
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on