@Love_bug1016

[on a date]

him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.

me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*

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@QwertyJones3

“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”

ME: *starts vaping*

@AndyJokedAgain

7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!

@aaronneedshelp

were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal

@Dawn_M_

People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.

@BlindVigil

Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.

@UnFitz

17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.

@NikiWithIssues

You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.

@murrman5

[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?

@Pork_Chop_Hair

*Band at a drive-thru, arguing about band name*
Cashier: Here’s your fries, and a nickel back
Chad Kroeger, gasps: You guys I have an idea