[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
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To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.