[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
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Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”