Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
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*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
3 hours until I get to pretend I know how to do 6th grade math homework…..
My mom always told me to treat people how I want to be treated but… It’s not nice to just spank people & pull their hair.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
ROSE: I’ll never let go Jack
JACK: You have room
ROSE: I’ll never let go
JACK: You’re in a sailboat
ROSE: Goodbye Jack
JACK: You have a cooler of beer on deck
JACK: The boat has a living room
ROSE: Dude can’t you just take a hint
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
when I got married in 1980 one of husbands old aunts took me aside and said “be a good wife and do sex on demand”
Me “what if he can’t keep up with my demands do I take a lover?”
She never spoke to me EVER again