[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
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me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time