Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
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I swear my toddler yells at me in Vietnamese
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: *thinking* but why her back though
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft