[on a date]

me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.

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Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine


Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”


When Harry Potter is finally classified as classic literature, my extensive knowledge will be seen as intellectual. Then who’ll be laughing?


[before nap]

I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!

[after nap]

well now it’s way too late to do anything


My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.


*man invents wheel*

“How can we possibly improve this?”

*Man invents wheel of cheese*

“Nailed it!”


Clown: OMG! I just crashed my car!

Clown 911: We are dispatching 20 ambulances to your location


The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.


There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.


*Robber runs into Chipotle*
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
“It’s extra”