@Love_bug1016

[on a date]

me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.

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@MizzusT

First year married: I want to spend every moment with you

All other years: maybe you could move into your own house

@Pig_Minted

Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time

Artist while drawing:

@WilliamAder

Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.

@armyantstudios

My doctor told me to get a lot of rest and fluids so I’ve been on a drunk rage in my bedroom since 1988.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.

@Cpin42

Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.

@sir_shithead_I

Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.

@XplodingUnicorn

[reading Harry Potter]

Me: Do you know what’s going on?

3-year-old: He went to lizard school.

I’d correct her, but her version is better.

@Tmoney68

Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:13:”TayTayJustine”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3464513650/8434f29ff782c7cf7b8a53156d6198f0_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”324575973150453761″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”62″;s:5:”tweet”;s:139:”Shouldn’t’ve left me alone w/your no-eyebrow-havin baby.

*Pulls out Sharpie*
*Squiggles on a surprised look*

See! She’s happy to see you.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}