[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
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Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Breaking news:
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.